Dubya Dubya Eye Eye Eye

Most everything Important I know I learned from Max Wood. He showed me a pretty awesomely awesome summation of the history of war in the middle east by a clever post-er on hipinion.com. His humorously wise words (all typos are his) were as follows:




"Alright, so:

-The middle east was pretty heavily colonialized up to the end of ww2. The allies had to secure the help of locals to fight ze germans mostly by guaranteeing self-determination and helping out nationalist movements.

-After ww2 the british pretty randomly carved up hunks of land and give them to the folks who supported them in ww2, but didn't give a shit about tribal/local politacal/religious lines.

-Britain(and the rest of the allies), because they were total cunts throughout most of history to the jews and the jews just got fucked with REAL BAD, also "gave" Jarusalem and the surrounding biblical holy land to a group of international jewish zionists (means they believe in recreating a jewish homeland, actually sort-of fobbiden in the Torah. it's complicated)

-This land they called Isreal, where the diaspora (the tribes of jews spread around the world) would come to recreate the jewish state. Sounds pretty keen right? except that:

-This area they decided to rename Isreal was ALREADY FULL OF PEOPLE. Thia area was called, by the British prior to the creation of isreal, Palistine. And they were mostly muslim, and the Allies/new isrealis kicked them the fuck out. Which got peeps ragin.

-This is still like 1947 here btw so the hatin' has been spit around for a long while. So anyway people decide it would be a good idea to seperate Palistinians from the Isrealis but the Isrealis won't allow any of the Palistinians the kicked out to return to their homes, which has dudes pissed.

-The whole time this is happening all the nations newly created by the brits are formign their own governments and becoming nations, which is rad. Except that:

-These new nations are real pissed on behalf of their Arab bros being shit on and Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon, Jordan, and Saudi Arabia declare war on Israel. Holy shit, Isreal has no friends and is pretty fucked tou say?

-Well, the only countries that actually invade are Egypt, Syria and Jordan. And they get their asses handed to them so hard Isreal grows 50% bigger then before the peace treaty was signed.

-Meanwhile, the governments these new nations are forming tend to be nationalistic and/or communist and the U.S., who wants unlimited access to the regions oil, keeps assasinating their leaders and installing dictators friendly with uncle sam. Which has more people pissed. This is the start of Islamic fundamentalism as governemnt BTW, as the democratically elected president of Iran was overthrown and replaced by the Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlevi who was a repressive wingnut.

-O.k. so now(1956) this charismatic Egyptian leader named Nasser (supplied by, naturally, the USSR) decides he is fed up with being the west's bitch and to teach them a lesson decides to close the Suez canal. Dude had balls. Turns out that was a pretty bad move though, because Egypt is then invaded by Isreal, France, and Britain, who occupy the canal for a while.

-1964 the Palistinian Liberation Organization (PLO) forms to Get Isreal The Fuck Out by doign stupid things like suiciding themselves for virgins and shit.

-A couple years later ('67) Egypt closes part of the canal again and triggers the "6-day war" where Israel destroys the Egyptian air force on the ground, pwns and occupies the Sinai pininsula and Gaza (it's still occupied) from Egypt, then conquers the West Bank (also still occupied) from Jordan, and the Golan Heights from Syria. These are all places where apparently attacks were springing from. They occupy these territories for a while.

-Jews all over high five each other for being awsome at war.

-Not being satisfied to eat shit twice already, in 1973 Egypt launches a suprise attack during the jewish day of attonement, starting the Yom Kippur War. They retake the Suez, and Syria take back the Golan Heights(which sounds a little like an arab themed condo tower hey?). Anywho because that whole BOO COMMIES cold war shit is going on the respective sides are being armed to the teeth by the U.S. and the USSR. Isreal again shit kicks them both.


After that a whole bunch of suicide bombing happens and some more presidents are assasinated (one jewish dude by an even more hardcore kill-the-rag-heads jew) and Isreal now raids the swurrounding countries with its massively superior armed forces whenever it gets suicide bombed or a kid throws a rock at a tank or whatever.


Yeah. In a nutshel, that's war in the middle east."

I think we might need to start getting ready for a draft, with Isreal going nuts and North Korea preparing to open an american sized can of whoop-ass. What kind of world have I brought my daughter into.